Do I Deserve This?

I've always been a pretty open person; when I get asked questions, I'll probably tell the truth regardless of what you want to hear. When I get asked, "How are you?", I tell the truth. I don't say "I'm fine" if I'm not fine. I used to, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I owe it to myself to be honest with myself even with such a simple question as that one.

If you've been following me for a while, you may have noticed that I occasionally post on Instagram about the feelings I have when I feel them. I've talked about homesickness, depression, friendships, eating disorders, physical strength, mental strength, and many subtopics of each of those. I've only lived 20 years so far, but there are some things I've had to deal with that have made me reevaluate the way I'll live the next 20+ years.

Coming to New Zealand, as I've mentioned in another post, was an on-the-whim decision for me. I had a breakdown one night about what I could be doing with my life and I decided to change that. I want to first recognize the privilege I have to even speak things into existence and actually have them work out. I am so blessed to have even thought about studying abroad, let alone actually have it happen. I've been struggling with the question, "Do I deserve this?" lately and here's what I've discovered:

In all honesty, 2018 really sucked for me. It definitely could have been worse by so many measures, but it could have been a whole lot better by so many other measures too. I could explain my whole testimony to life in this post, but to just sum up the past year, I went through anorexia, suicidal tendencies, isolation, a break up, a diagnosis of bipolar disorder type II, distancing myself from God, lost friendships, and through all of those things, it felt like the longest year of my life so far.

Each year of our lives are meant for certain lessons and I wholeheartedly believe everything is interconnected and means something in the long run. Most of you probably don't know the depth of my testimony, aside from what I've shared on social media so far, and maybe someday you'll ask. I'm a pretty open book when it comes down to it. I used to hide all of my experiences, but when I finally came to terms with them, they're a part of me too and if you get me, you get what I've been through too.

Going back to the point, 2018 made me believe I deserved all the bad things that were happening. I would close my eyes and see death right around the corner, and I believed it was meant to happen. I put myself through the eating disorder because I felt out of control with my emotions so I tried to control one aspect of my life: food. I wouldn't look when I crossed the road, I was scared to drive because I could only picture getting into accidents when I turned corners, I ate less than 400 calories a day, and I was afraid to care because then it would become real. When I signed up for this trip to New Zealand, I didn't allow myself to get excited for it because I truly didn't believe it would happen for me. There was no way something so positive would come into my life at that point.

I distinctly remember driving past a Taco Bell in September on my way to class at 5 pm, only having had a coffee the entire day, crying because I wanted food so badly, but I wouldn't let myself stop to get any. I put myself through so much hurt in order to... what? I still don't really know what the goal was.

In November, after already being accepted in to the NZ program, my therapist and I were discussing the trip. I was still dealing with the eating disorder, and she told me she wouldn't recommend me to go on the trip if I didn't improve my mental state. I may not have allowed myself to be outwardly excited for the trip, but I knew how positive it would be for me, so I was shocked. I was so scared I wouldn't be able to go so I snapped out of it. It wasn't immediate, I still struggle with having to cook my own food here in New Zealand now, but I worked so hard the next two months of being at home so I could prove I was mentally stable enough to go on the trip.

Fast forward to now, March 2019, and I've become a completely new version of who I was a few months ago. Like I said, I still struggle with the eating and I definitely still have thoughts about death, but the new strength I have from being here and experiencing so many happy people - I've been forced to enjoy everything around me. I'm in a new bible study at school, I have new friends that have the chance to last when I go home, and I'm seeing the world around me so often that it's hard to ignore what it's doing to me. I don't want to seem dramatic, because in the grand scheme of things, this trip could mean so many things to everyone here, and I don't want to put so much pressure on it, but so far, this place has taught me that I deserve the good things in life too. I'm allowed to see the positives for what they are. This is hard to admit, but I can do anything I want to.

And that includes being happy.

Trying to love it already

-Tess