2021, you sneaky little thing!
This year, guys.
The year that has confused me the most but lead me to some of the best things I could've ever imagined.
I started the year just as the last one ended - working full time, same unhealthy relationship, same friends, same routine, still in school. As I've written about in other blog posts this year, things did a complete 180 around April. I got fired from my full-time job and things CHANGED. I felt free and like I could make decisions that I wanted to make now with nothing holding me back. I was unemployed and had a decent chunk of money saved up so I did what any person would do and I traveled. I booked a vacation with my long-distance best friend that I met on the internet. We had only hung out 3 times before our vacation and I didn't realize that until we got on the plane. Lucky enough, it felt like we had been friends for a lifetime. Thank you Tess for making me remember that friendships aren't always about history, but they are always about connection. Leading up to our trip, I ordered a new swimsuit to try to get myself excited about being in the warm weather. I tried it on, sat down in front of my mirror, and cried. Cried because I felt so secure. I felt so whole in this suit, something I hadn't felt in a swimsuit in a long time. The last time I had been in a swimsuit was the summer after I got out of treatment and it felt okay, but still not where I wanted to be health, body, or mind-wise. This time though, the freedom I felt from leaving my job, finding a new routine, a new group of friends, new hobbies - I felt like I had a new body. A new, free body.
In the same impulse, I booked a vacation to meet up with my study abroad friends in Arizona. Utah is pretty dang close to Arizona so I decided to swing by and visit my other internet friend Mytch. He and I have been friends for a few years now and we had never met until he picked me up at the airport that day in May. I could not tell you how fast this man and I clicked, how natural it felt to have a friend across the country who I could see on a whim and it just makes sense. He and I don't talk every day, we don't talk most days for that matter. But he is a friend I can count on for always being down to take a little adventure. Here's to the next one, baby!
When I got to Arizona, it automatically felt different. My NZ friends weren't different, but I was. In the last month of being unemployed and completely acting on my own impulse, something in me felt so much lighter, in the most dramatic way. I don't even care how dramatic it sounds, really. Natalie, Kathleen, and Ava picked me up from the airport and I saw them in an entirely new light. When I was in New Zealand, I was happy of course, there's no way I couldn't be. But there was a part of me that was very mentally sick, trying to compensate and make up for lost time in some not-so-healthy ways. I was happy and present, but not as much as I wished I would or could have been. When we walked into the AirBnB in Arizona and I was met with the fresh faces of the people I love... I felt the recently familiar feeling of fullness; complete, whole. This was how it was meant to feel the first time around... and now it's here. Finally.
In June, it was the start of my first summer post-21 and post-covid that I could go to bars and have FUN in my city. Vaxxed and ready! This summer was also the first time I had ever had a summer of weekends off from whatever job I had at the time. Saturdays at the Rathskeller, baby! I was still living at home and I drove all over creation this summer, but it was the time of my life. I had a friend group that liked to go out and I just had a blast. I used to get so uncomfortable at bars; I wouldn't dance, I wouldn't drink much unless I planned on blacking out, and it was always on an empty stomach with ill intentions. This summer I was so proud of everything that I had accomplished and done to get to that point that I did go a bit crazy, but I wouldn't change a thing about it. The best summer so far. I went out and experienced things as a semi-normal 23-year-old, whatever that even means. I went on more vacations with Tess, went to Chicago with my very best friends for my birthday in August, had an impulse 42 hour trip to Colorado to visit a friend I hadn't seen in 2 years, AND moved out of my parents' house for the 3rd time. What a summer.
In September, the excitement began to wind down and I hit a rough patch. My first manic/depressive episode since the winter before and I was very uncertain about how it would end up. The last few manic episodes I had, I ended up in some sort of hospitalized program... so it's safe to say I was scared.
I took my time, I saw my therapist, I put off work, school, and my internship as much as I could without failing or being fired (which I needed but it definitely took a toll) and... I got through it. For the first time without wanting to crash my car, lose 20 pounds, drink myself sick, or end up in the hospital. I did it, guys. Something I never thought I'd be able to say.
Things didn't get much easier though, I got Covid and my school work went downhill after both my manic episode and testing positive. I barely skated through with some extensions from my professors and now I'm in the second semester of my last year of school. A long 5 years, let me tell you.
2021 felt like 5 years in one. It felt so long, so drawn out, and so many feelings were placed throughout it. What I hope to bring into 2022 are these ideas:
It is okay to end things that don't serve you or that you don't find happiness in anymore. Jobs, relationships, friendships, past goals and mottos, anything. You're allowed. And it isn't the end of the world (even if it feels like it).
If you don't end those things yourself, they damn well will find a way to end themselves. And it might be in a dramatic way. How else to get your attention?
Social media friends are friends. If you utilize social media to connect and build and create and grow, it can be so healthy and turn into a positive alternate world for you to explore. 2022 let's stop the comparison and start the inspiration.
If you have friends who are growing, compliment their progress. Receive and give, and in turn, give and receive! Very few things matter more than your people and the ways you lift each other up. The positivity will be recognized and if it isn't, refer back to #1.
In most cases, you'll know when you're ready for something new. You may deny it or be scared, but deep down you know. Make the move, ask the question, take the risk, make the pros and cons list. Whatever you need to do to convince yourself that your gut is right, do that. Take the steps to set yourself up for success and believe the risk is worth it, it very well might be.
For the love of God, ask for help. You can do it by yourself, sure, but it'll be harder for no reason but to boost your ego. Humans are built for connection; use yours to succeed, and be thankful you have them in your corner.
Unlearning unhealthy codependency and trusting your ability to survive outside of a romantic relationship is such a fulfilling experience. Don't discredit pure connections when you have them, but if they aren't there, what's the rush? Truly, ask yourself.
There comes a time where you have to admit that your decisions are yours. You are allowed to remove your destructive, unnecessary attachment to the negativity and accept that you can change your direction if you have the tools. And if you don't have the tools, refer back to #6.
Years feel longer each time they come but they seem to fly by at the same time. It's a game of Sims at this point and you have the controls, baby!
Love it already, as always.
Happy New Year, just a little late. I'm so glad I have this little blog to compile my thoughts and have people read it. That's crazy to me. It's almost been 3 years to the day since I started this page and it's helped me in ways I can't express. 2021, you sneaky little thing. Here's to year 3! Thanks for being here.
Love it already,
Tess M
Komentar