Wait for it!

This was a little hard for me to write. I couldn't find the right words and I wanted it to be perfect. Instead, I'm just going to share what I have to say... even if it doesn't make sense. I hope you get it.

I want to start off by saying that my life hasn't always been happy. I think you know that by reading my other blog posts, but if you don't know, now you do. I shouldn't complain; I have a good family, I have good friends, I have a good God. But I put myself into a state of mind that's not healthy. Part of this is a chemical imbalance in my brain and a mood disorder that I can't really do anything about, but the other part of it is letting those things control me. Every single day is a challenge for me and I know it is for some of you too. Getting out of bed hurts, taking my daily mood disorder medicine hurts, seeing people laugh hurts, and accepting love hurts.

I've almost given up on my life twice.

I can't express how afraid of myself I was in those moments. I had the power to end my life, or do a lot of damage, at any given point and I was actually thinking about doing it. That's what was scary. There's a difference between wondering what life would be like if you weren't here vs. actually having a plan; I had a plan. I've had multiple plans that all ended with me not reaching the age of 20. My first plan was before I was even 15.

The issue was me not having any vision of the future. In my mind, there was nothing worth waiting for. I was so conflicted with my own feelings that everything else was blurred. I couldn't see the love from my family and friends, I couldn't see the opportunities coming up with school, I couldn't see the good food I was starving myself from, I couldn't see the chance of a good life because I was so focused on what was going wrong. There are a lot of things I would've missed out on if I hadn't waited it out. I would've missed out on coming to New Zealand and meeting some of the best people, seeing incredible places, and learning the coolest things about myself. If I hadn't waited, I would've missed out on becoming the true definition of happy.

Life is going to be hard and you're going to want to give up. A lot.

If you ever get to the point where you can't see the future, take a step back and see where you are now: the present you're currently in used to be the future and you've made it here, what's stopping you from making it there again? Things aren't as bad as they used to be, right? You've learned some things, moved on, made new friends, experienced new places. Things may not be good right now, but at least they aren't like they used to be. You've grown and you'll grow again. Give it time. So please, for the love of God, wait for it. Wait for life to figure itself out and show you it's not that bad. Wait for the stranger to smile at you, wait for new friends to show you what friendship really is, wait for a good meal to make you feel at home again, wait for that hug you really need. Life is truly the way you look at things and how you react to the things that happen. Talk to someone, hug someone, laugh at a joke that isn't funny, take pictures of everything so you can remember how you felt in that moment (good or bad), and please. Wait for it. I promise it's worth it.

Love it already

-Tess

P.S.

There are a few things we should wait for in our lives: good food, good company, true love, and the future.

If you wait for good food, eat it a little slower to appreciate the time it took to be made.

If you wait for good company, spend more time with them to appreciate their value.

If you wait for true love, love it unconditionally to appreciate its reciprocity.

If you wait for the future, show your strength by appreciating the unknown.