Nothing to Regret
I've been M.I.A. for a while and it was for good reason, I promise. I've had finals, a trip to Australia, and a trip to the north island all over the last month. While all of that sounds really good and exciting, I've been dealing with some emotions I didn't think I was going to have. I've been extremely homesick and anxious about getting back. I'll spare you the details, but I've been getting back into my depression and thinking about some really negative things. I've been really uninspired about life as the trip comes to an end and I didn't want to express that and put anyone down. I preach that all emotions are meant to be felt, so I've been trying to let myself feel everything my body and mind wants it to and revel in those feelings. I want to understand my emotions and help myself grow through them.
I think it's always been and always will be difficult when things come to an end in your life. Sometimes you don't even know the last time was going to be the last time, and sometimes it's more obvious... like my life right now. I will be going back home in 12 days and I'll be back to my regular life. It's funny to me that I say "regular life" like I've been living in a dream or something. In all honesty, that's what it feels like. I've been worried about putting too much pressure on this trip and being dramatic about all that's gone on, but it truly feels like I paused my life, moved to the other side of the world, and never pressed play. I think it'll be different going back home and adjusting to my normal life with all the new things I've learned. There have been changes in my mental state, my eating habits, my academics, my friendships, and so many more topics... it's actually overwhelming thinking about how I might be different when I'm home. Again, I probably sound dramatic and people always joke about study abroad "changing you" but it really has. I've been able to be happy for the last 4 1/2 months without worrying about anything else. I've made new friends because it's not as scary as I always thought. I've seen some of the most incredible places in the world and I still can't believe my eyes. I've been eating food because I needed to in order to keep up with the physical activity here. I've recognized my unhealthy behaviours and actions, making me very ready to restart when I get back and try my best to keep myself in line.
The last week and the week coming up are going to be hard. I've been thinking about being home nonstop and I've been having a lot of thoughts about death for some reason. I don't know if it's because of the homesickness or if I'm starting to get back into a rut again, but either way, it doesn't make sense to me. Bipolar disorder and depression have a way of doing that, not making sense. The negativity doesn't make sense because of how positive the last 4 1/2 months have been, I've been so good. It hurts to know that this will always be a part of my life, but it'll be a game that I know I can win sometimes. The last 4 1/2 months? I won. I found peace in my surroundings and I beat the player at its own game. I'll always slip up and things will get hard, but these last few months make me believe it won't last forever.
Chapters end and new ones begin. Our lives will change just like the seasons. I think this chapter is coming to an end and the last few pages are a litter harder to read than the pages before, but like I said, there's always a new one coming. I think I've gotten stronger in this chapter. I'm able to handle more and react to my negative emotions better now. It'll be interesting to see how I carry what I've learned over to my life at home and I genuinely can't wait to see how that unfolds. The thoughts about death have taken a toll the last couple weeks, but none of them have been severe enough to make me regret these last 4 1/2 months. I have absolutely nothing to regret.
This will probably be my last blog post about this trip, unless I have something to reflect on when I get home. I'm in the process of making a video about the trip and I may post a link to that when it's finished. Thank you for reading when you have. Thank you for the endless support.
Love it already, love it during, love it always.
-Tess
