Control What You Can
Life has been interesting since I got home. Time is going on it's third month since leaving New Zealand and I've finally had the time to adjust and get back into my groove. School has started, my dreams are on their way to becoming real, all of my friends are amazing, my love life is hectic but I'm learning (what's new), and my family is doing incredible things. I've been wanting to express how I've felt since being home but haven't been able to find the words or make it all make sense. This is my attempt to do that.
The first time I saw one of my study abroad friends back in Indy, she told me she was excited to meet "Indiana Tess". I was scared for her to meet that Tess, if I were even still that Tess anymore. Indiana Tess had been sick for the last 3+ years and absolutely hated herself and her life. If anything, I wanted to reintroduce her to New Zealand Tess, just in a different country. I was so scared that when I got home, I would revert back to the negatives I was in the years before. When my mom came to visit in NZ the week before I went home, I bursted into tears the day before we left because I was terrified of what would or wouldn't be different when I got to the US.
The first week felt weird. I tried to see as many friends as possible, I was having major jet lag and not sleeping, I wasn't eating as much but didn't know if that was a problem yet, a blooming relationship had the chance to start up now that I was home, and I was on eggshells the whole time, scared that things were going to be different in any way.
Here's the thing: now that I've been home for two months, I've experienced all the reasonable emotions and dealt with them properly, because I know how to do that now (for the most part). I've laughed, I've yelled, I've felt less than, I've been pissed off, and I've cried myself to sleep. But I have not have one bad day. Why? Because I made literal reminder on my damn arm to love each day ALREADY. Love it before it comes. Things will happen, but those are only mere minutes or hours of a 24 hour day. A bad situation does not make for an entirely bad day. Someone has made you laugh while you've been crying before, right? Just like that. That feeling of, "You're annoying, but thank you for understanding me and making me feel good in this moment." Life is like that, too. Getting splashed by water from a car driving through it, then seeing a rainbow, reminding you why that puddle is there in the first place. Tripping and falling, and someone helping you up. Getting broken up with and then hearing Lizzo on the radio right after. Being flooded with homework and stressing, then getting the A you deserve. Wait for it to happen to you. I promise it will. Life is annoying and negative things will happen all the time, but the conclusion is NEVER "my life sucks" or "this will never end", because it will. It won't ever be completely over, but that situation will end and you will move past it. Don't let it ruin your day(s), your time is more deserving than that. Feel your emotions, of course, but don't let them control you. That's your job. Control what you can and work with what you can't.
If you think I'm too optimistic and eager, good. I'm working on being even more optimistic and eager every day. I am the only one who can make my dreams be fulfilled and I plan to do that with MY people, the ones who love me and support me no matter what they're doing or how they feel, by my side.
If you ever need someone to listen to your ideas, connect with, learn from, grow with, or get love from, I promise I will do my best. I needed it once and didn't have it, I'll give it to you in a healthy way. I am always on your side.
Love it already,
Tess Mullen