Come Home
3 Months After
The first month home was great; it was summer, all my friends were home, I wasn't worried about my eating, I was doing really well. When school started, I began to feel more and more out of control of my life. I had so many ideas for the future, my friends, my education, my career, my relationship. That feeling of being out of control left me missing New Zealand, I mean really missing New Zealand.
By the middle of August, my eating disorder had come back but I was in denial. A situation happened at the end of August caused me to have situational sadness, which is normal, but my coping method became controlling my eating (by not eating at all). The last month and half has been really hard. There's something about New Zealand and something about now that make me feel really guilty. When I've talked to some friends about my current issues, they mention, "You were so good three months ago. You were happy, your dreams were coming true. What happened?" I think it's because I took a leap of faith and escaped what was happening last year (eating disorder, bipolar issues, etc.). I made the conscious decision to leave, not to make it easier, but to learn and grow in a different place with a different group of people. It was the right thing for me at the time. I needed that. Now that I'm back in that space with the same people, same environment, and all of the same things, it's been really hard to transfer what I learned in NZ back to my real life. New Zealand... it was challenging and I had school and things to do, but it was like a five month vacation. It wasn't real life. It was like my real life got put on pause and I didn't have to think about the past and what I had escaped from. Now that I'm back, I want to say it's a completely different world, but it's the exact same world but I'm looking at it differently this time. When I think about why I'm back into the same rut and the same bad habits, it doesn't make sense and it pisses me off more than anything. I was so happy, I had gained weight, I was using healthy coping skills, and I was doing so well, only to come back and get down into the same spell I was in when I left. It's hard to grasp that I will be triggered and challenged with these issues no matter how many times I try to escape it. I will always have to come back to reality and face these issues. Do you know how frustrating that is for me? Learning how to accept that is one of the hardest things I have to do on a daily basis.
You can know how bad something is for you, but not have the heart to change it or stop it. That's what's so messed up about the way our lives work and the way our brains work because it makes you feel so stupid. I know what's going on but having the strength to change that takes all of my energy. You feel like it's your fault for letting it get so bad, or your fault for not stopping, but it's the disorder. It has nothing to do with you and that's what you and I have to tell ourselves every. single. morning. when we look ourselves in the mirror.
I know all the advice my therapist, friends, and family give me is true and is helpful, but nothing will change until I genuinely want it to change. I know that, they know that, and that's why it's so hard to see the people you love go through the things that they go through.
The main thing I'm dealing with right now, aside from my disorders, is my urge to leave again. Now that I left once and it made me grow, I can't help but to think if I leave again, the same thing will happen. I'm applying to out of state internships, jobs for after graduation, planning trips; anything to get me and my mind away. Not for it to be easy, because New Zealand wasn't easy, but just to grow again. But the reality is: I can't run away from my problems again. It's time to practice what I've learned.
We have to face our problems. We can't run away thinking a new city and a new face will fix them for us. Maybe in the long run we will move somewhere else and start new, start a new lifestyle, or a new world where we feel okay. But right now, you're where you're at and that's what you have to deal with. For as long as it takes to figure your shit out, you have to come home. Every single day. You have to unlock that same front door and do what you need to do. Go to class, go to work, have a healthy social life, eat right. You have no choice but to keep living, I hope. We will feel out of control or complacent, and if you do feel complacent, make that change and leave. But you won't always be able to leave when you want to. When life teaches you things, it is your job to make those active lessons a reality in your world when the time comes. It's not so easy right now, but you've got to keep figuring it out. That will look different for all of us, but you've got to keep going. At the end of the day, you have to come home. Whether that means literally come home, come home to reality, come home to baggage from the last mental vacation you haven't unpacked yet, come home to your real feelings, your responsibilities, your priorities, and most importantly, come home to yourself and admit what is going on. Actively try to listen to yourself and figure something out.
Some days you may not want to come home to any of those things, but eventually you'll have to. When the time comes, I hope you're open to whatever that doorway has to offer you... or admit to you.
Take a trip, but don't forget to come home and unpack.
I hope that makes sense.
Love it already. Love it before you come home.
- Tess
