Not everyone needs an explanation

I saw a Twitter interaction a couple weeks ago.

The last few months I've been in and out of a situation that was completely wearing me down. I had reasonable responses and emotions to it all, just as anyone else would, but I was letting it consume me a lot longer than it would have in the past or if it had been with another person. I think we all have weaknesses that keep us from fulfilling the dreams we want or that keep us going back to bad habits no matter how much we wish we could stop them. Some of those weaknesses are words, actions, and people. We all have triggers. We seem to always want to know why things are happening, as well; why is he/she doing this, why am I this way, what could I have done to avoid this, and the list goes on and on.

After reading this tweet interaction, it finally dawned on me that I don't need to know anything. In some situations, the less I know the better, actually.

The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again expecting different (or better) results.

I kept trying to explain myself to someone who only wanted to listen to me when they wanted to. Of course, no one is obligated to listen to me all the time, I understand I talk a lot, but that can become confusing to the person speaking.

I kept trying to explain and validate my emotions and thoughts to a person who didn't understand and probably wouldn't ever try to.

I kept trying to explain myself to someone who didn't want to explain any part of themselves to me.

I kept trying to speak and feel wanted by someone who didn't want me anymore.

I kept trying.

Until I realized I was doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. I (or the situation, you pick) was going insane.

So I quit.

Now normally, I don't quit things. That's not who I am. But with that, comes the ability to be persistent. Sometimes I don't catch signs or red flags and sometimes I hold onto things a lot longer than I need to or am wanted to.

When I read this tweet interaction, I realized how truly confused I was by the situation and how badly I wanted reasons why it was all happening. Admittedly, even when I was given minor reasons and red flags, I held onto the good reasons and sweet moments instead (I'm human).

But I know these things now. I cannot seek clarity from the situation that is causing me confusion. I cannot seek words from someone unwilling to speak. I cannot get love from someone who doesn't in the first place. I cannot spend time dwelling on things that don't want to be thought about.

My sweet, sweet energy deserves to be lived fully, not hiding away wondering where it could've been better.

It was a slap in the face, no doubt. Realizing something is over is never easy, but I have felt so much more "me" the last week after this realization. I am more "me" when I am happy, when I am focused, when I am smiling at strangers, when I am organized, when I express myself. If you find yourself compromising the things that make you feel "you" because you're trying to explain yourself to someone/thing that doesn't want to listen, remember you cannot seek clarity from the same situation that brought you chaos. Find your peace somewhere else, it exists and it is waiting. Quit your nightmare, quit talking to walls; focus on the daydream, and talk to people who care about you. The ones who do will show you they do, believe them.

Love it already

-Tess