Here's to one hell of a year

I've been thinking about how I wanted to write about this year for about a month now. I've known I wanted to write an end-of-the-year post, but I wasn't sure how to wrap it all up. I've decided to come of

with a lesson (or two) I've learned from each month of this year.

2019 has been an incredibly eye opening year. Actually, the first and second 6 months felt like two entirely different years got put together and God said, "Here you go, do something with it". I have been so afraid this year, but I have also broken down so many walls. I have been at one of my lowest valleys, but also been on the highest mountain. I still have no idea what I'm doing, but that's part of the fun, I guess.

So here we go: my year in lessons and explanations

January:

Be scared. Use it as fuel.

I spent this entire month refusing the fact that I was going to be spending the next 5 months 8,000 miles away from home. It didn't feel real until I stepped off the plane to the heat of a New Zealand summer and realized it wasn't a vacation. It wasn't a dream. I was terrified and I let it consume me until I changed my way of thinking.

February:

Love it already. Please.

I changed my way of thinking during my first week in New Zealand, after days of crying and Facetiming my parents as often as I could. Lives were happening all around me. My life was happening around me as I sat and watched from the side. I was spending my time waiting for the comfortable past to come back and not focusing on the time and opportunities I had in front of me. I journaled on the plane to NZ, "Can't wait to meet you, NZ. Love you already." But I wasn't appreciating it the way I thought I would have. I read that plane journal again after being in my new home for a few days, and decided to instead, "love it already", which became my new motto and first tattoo. Having a bad day is a lot harder when you go into it loving it before it starts. That's a promise.

March:

Friendships are about connection, not history.

Before I left, I was having some trouble with the friends I've been with forever. I was so torn apart that only one of them said goodbye to me and that I was leaving them without having a conversation. I was terrified of the idea of having to make new friends in New Zealand, but I was kind of forced into it... and I never looked back. I made a new friend group that treated me like I was a regular person; no history, no bias, nothing to base a friendship off of besides the way we felt about each other. The only reason we became friends was because of first impressions and feeling good around the other person. It was unlike anything I had ever experienced. In a way, this was my "college experience" that I had yet to have since coming to school.

There are few things more important than the people you surround yourself with. We, as humans, find our greatest source of happiness through 1. ourselves and 2. our company. Our support systems help shape us into the people we are, or aren't, and they guide us into the rest of our lives, even if they don't end up sticking around for it all. Your people should make you feel strong, hopeful, inspired, loved, and validated for exactly who you are. I advise you to address your values and see if those around hold the same ones, and how you can influence positivity in you relationships.

The people I became friends with in New Zealand made that trip special. Not the places, not the country, not anything else. Those people left me feeling hopeful for the next chapters of my life and the opportunity to meet more people who made me feel the way they did. Here's to you guys.

April:

Let yourself be free. Time to come out.

This is a tough topic for me to finally put into writing for anyone to read, but I think I'm comfortable enough in myself that I feel it's time to let more people know. I had spent the last 5 or so years questioning my sexuality and this year, in April actually, I came out as bisexual to my mother. I had previously talked to my brother about it and he encouraged me to tell our mom so I finally got the courage to one day, in a public coffee shop, and her response brought me to tears. I couldn't help but cry over the overwhelming support I got from her and the way she made me feel so loved.

There has been nothing in my life that gave me a bigger sense of relief as coming out to my mom did. I was so scared of what would happen, what would change, what people would think of me, what parents of friends would think of me, what this would mean for me. But I will tell you, I have never felt more comfortable with myself either. I am so proud to be who I am. I am so incredibly proud to admit that I am able to love whoever I want to, including my God, and know that the people who love me are okay with it. I understand that it makes some people uncomfortable, and that's alright, but if it changes your opinion of me, I truly do not need you in my life and I hope you take the time to understand that. I am exactly who I have always been, you just didn't know it was a part of me. I hope you see me for the person I have always been, not as a label.

For those of you who have known for a while now, thank you for sticking around. I don't think it's that big of a deal and I'm glad you didn't think so either. If you're struggling with how you feel, what you feel, who you feel it for, or how it affects your relationship with your God, don't hesitate to ask me about it. If your God is anything like my God, He'll love you just like He loves me.

May:

Wait for it, for life to show you it's not that bad.

This sums it up:

If you ever get to the point where you can't see the future, take a step back and see where you are now: the present you're currently in used to be the future and you've made it here, what's stopping you from making it there again? Things aren't as bad as they used to be, right? You've learned some things, moved on, made new friends, experienced new places. Things may not be good right now, but at least they aren't like they used to be. You've grown and you'll grow again. Give it time. So please, for the love of God, wait for it. Wait for life to figure itself out and show you it's not that bad. Wait for the stranger to smile at you, wait for new friends to show you what friendship really is, wait for a good meal to make you feel at home again, wait for that hug you really need. Life is truly the way you look at things and how you react to the things that happen. Talk to someone, hug someone, laugh at a joke that isn't funny, take pictures of everything so you can remember how you felt in that moment (good or bad), and please. Wait for it. I promise it's worth it.

June:

If you're that scared to come home, maybe it's time to move.

The night before I left New Zealand to come back home, I had a breakdown about how scared I was to go back to Indiana. I couldn't comprehend that life at home had still been going on without me while I was gone and that things might be different. I was also scared that my bad habits and destructive behaviors would come back once I got back. Those things usually go hand in hand for me.

After I got home, some situations happened and I did continue my bad habits like they had never left. I stopped eating, I had suicidal thoughts, and I wasn't using my healthy coping mechanisms like I should have been. A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with one of my professors about all the things going on with me and how things had changed since I got home from NZ. I was so happy there even without therapy, I gained 10+ pounds, I was motivated, and doing everything right, but as soon as I got home, it all started again. My professor looked at me and said, "Well, why can't you leave?"

No one had ever asked me that before and I honestly didn't think it was possible. I figured I'd at least be in Indiana for the majority of my life, but she made me realize that I can find "home" in multiple places. I don't need just one. Of course, this is where my family and my people are, but that doesn't always mean that's where I need to be as well. I'm starting to look into graduate schools in other states, dreaming about a fresh start. Maybe I can recreate my New Zealand state of mind somewhere new.

July:

Apply what you've learned.

As I mentioned above, my bad habits came back when I got home, but it wasn't immediate. I started off really well; keeping myself busy, hanging out with friends, working, eating healthier, etc. But the more stressed out I got and getting broken up with in September, I got seriously overwhelmed.

The thing is, tests aren't just for school students. Tests are brought to us when we least expect them sometimes, but typically when we have been given the tools to at least get a C+ on them. It always seems that right after we learn a big life lesson, God gives us that "Here you go, do something with it" speech all over again. I wholeheartedly believe that we are strong enough to face whatever gets thrown at us, but we have to believe that in ourselves first. It's been extremely hard to admit that I am stronger than I thought I was this year, but once I did, I was able to stand a little taller and take on a little more.

August:

Let yourself love, even if you get hurt. It's alright.

When it comes to relationships, I never really know what to say because every situation is so different. This year I was in my first relationship with a girl and I was so proud to be with her. I had never felt more myself or comfortable in any relationship I have been in. But, like most things, there was conflict and it was good until it wasn't anymore. It was a long process, but it finally ended and it took a very big toll on me mentally.

I had a lot to come to terms with, but in the end, what I've chosen to take from the experience is that you have to let yourself love, even if you get hurt. Love and leaving, sadly, are synonymous in some ways. You want to understand what went wrong, how they feel, what made them lose interest, or if there is anything you could've done to change the outcome, but sometimes after trying to get answers for so long, you have to answer your questions yourself. Knowing you did your best is the only answer you need to move on. I like to think of relationships as trial and error almost. Hopefully, I will marry one person in my lifetime, so, realistically, all but one of my relationships will end. With any relationship, you should always try to learn as much as you can so you can apply it to the one you're in or the next one you'll eventually be in. Take advantage of the opportunity you have to grow with people, and sometimes, away from them after they've left.

September:

Control what you can, work with what you can't.

This explains itself. There are so many things I have tried to control this year that haven't worked out the way I wanted to, but still in my favor. I am learning when to let go, hold on, and move forward. All with the intention of having the most positive outcome.

Things will happen, but those are only mere minutes or hours of a 24 hour day. A bad situation does not make for an entirely bad day. Someone has made you laugh while you've been crying before, right? Just like that. That feeling of, "You're annoying, but thank you for understanding me and making me feel good in this moment." Life is like that, too. Getting splashed by water from a car driving through it, then seeing a rainbow, reminding you why that puddle is there in the first place. Tripping and falling, and someone helping you up. Getting broken up with and then hearing Lizzo on the radio right after. Being flooded with homework and stressing, then getting the A you deserve. Wait for it to happen to you. I promise it will. Life is annoying and negative things will happen all the time, but the conclusion is NEVER "my life sucks" or "this will never end", because it will. It won't ever be completely over, but that situation will end and you will move past it. Don't let it ruin your day(s), your time is more deserving than that. Feel your emotions, of course, but don't let them control you. That's your job. Control what you can and work with what you can't.

October:

Come home to your feelings. Stop re-reading the same stories.

I wrote two blog posts on these mottos earlier this fall and they still ring true at the end of the year. I tend to get into the same routine and do it over and over again, including things from the past that I haven't let go of. I read the same stories over again because I still think there's something to change even though it's over. I don't really understand what my brain thinks is okay about going back to the things that hurt me... maybe my brain doesn't recognize that it did, in fact, hurt me. Maybe I know it's not good but haven't found enough reason to stop it altogether. Sometimes it takes revisiting some things before we realize what the truths behind them are. I think at this point, what I'm dealing with will keep coming back until I recognize what it's doing to me. I think we all get complacent with ourselves and our habits, good and bad, and we get comfortable with what place in life we consider ourselves to be in. We have so many options, but we don't seem to notice when those choices are available to us. Sometimes it's not even that I'm re-reading the same book or chapter, sometimes I re-read the same damn page or sentence, over and over again. But there are sequels and new chapters for a reason. There is more of the storyline to tell and you won't ever get to it if you keep holding onto what once was. The habit may not have been bad to begin with, you may have been well intentioned, but when the present proves it's time to move on, I think we do a bad job of listening. It takes time, of course, but when you start to get that gut feeling of, "Maybe this isn't good for me anymore, or maybe it never was", LISTEN.

And at the end of the day, you have to come home to the feelings you're having about the bad habits, the reading of stories, the unhealthy coping skills, responsibilities, priorities, and whatever mental vacation you're having to avoid your issues. We have to face our problems. We can't run away thinking a new city and a new face will fix them for us. Maybe in the long run we will move somewhere else and start new, start a new lifestyle, or a new world where we feel okay. But right now, you're where you're at and that's what you have to deal with. For as long as it takes to figure your shit out, you have to come home. Every single day. You have to unlock that same front door and do what you need to do. Go to class, go to work, have a healthy social life, eat right. You have no choice but to keep living, I hope. We will feel out of control or complacent, and if you do feel complacent, make that change and leave. But you won't always be able to leave when you want to. When life teaches you things, it is your job to make those active lessons a reality in your world when the time comes. It's not so easy right now, but you've got to keep figuring it out. That will look different for all of us, but you've got to keep going.

November:

Get the help you need, even if you don't want to.

At the end of November, I had a really bad night in Bloomington with some friends. Anorexia, depression, and anxiety were all going 100 mph in my head making me unable to see straight or even sit in public without having a breakdown. I cried in the bathroom of a restaurant with my friend on the stall floor talking me down for 45 minutes. She asked me what I needed. I said, "Help".

That was the first time I vocalized that I needed more help than I had been getting in over a year. I tried going to an eating disorder recovery center but gave up because I was unwilling to put in the effort to get better. This time, I went to my therapist the next soonest date, and told her everything that happened that night in Bloomington. She called the St. Vincent Stress Center immediately and scheduled a time for me to go do a psych evaluation at the hospital.

Long story short, I'm in a program now for bipolar disorder and anorexia learning how to process my emotions and develop healthy coping skills. It took me a long time to admit it's what I needed, but I'm doing it. I promise you that you can do it too. I believe in you and so do the people who love you. Please, don't be scared. There are people who want to and KNOW how to help. Trust them.

December:

God has loved you all year. Time to love him back.

Through everything this year, I have come out a better, stronger person. But that wasn't my doing even during the times I thought it was. In NZ, I spend time in a bible study group two days a week but I still wasn't thanking Him for everything I was learning. Through becoming comfortable with my sexuality, I did distance myself from the church out of fear of opinions of people who have known me for years. Through my depression and anorexia, I distanced myself because I don't want to burden anyone, not even Him, with the negative person I saw myself as. However, none of those things are good excuses. The "why" in those statements truly mean nothing in the grand scheme. He was there the whole time with a hand on my shoulder. He loves me because that's the God He is. He's My God. My God, my Friend, my Father, my Guy. He has loved me all year, now it's time to love Him back.

Here's to a new decade. New experiences. New people. New life. New love. New memories. New things to write about.

As always, love it already.

- Tess Mullen