"I exist more now"

As some of you may know, I've started the partial hospitalization program at the Charis Center in Indy to help figure out my eating disorder.

I have to eat 3 supervised meals and 2 snacks between 7:30 am and 6 pm, attend educational sessions about behavioral and cognitive therapy, meet with a dietician, a therapist, and a medical doctor several times a week, go to process group, trauma group, and relapse prevention group, and release my emotions through art therapy and light body movement exercises. In between all of those I get 15-20 minute segments for free time, which right now just consists of resting my eyes or reading a book. I am not allowed to have my phone, so I miss out on talking to my friends and family during the day like I usually would. This program is 5 days a week for at least 6 weeks. Talk about exhausting.

Today is only Wednesday of my first week, so I haven't been through a lot yet, and I have a sinus infection today so I'm not even there due to my fever, but I have already had a few epiphany moments in my two days. My experience won't be like everyone else's, of course, but I am truly so excited to continue this process and get back to my happiest version.

1. Outside of treatment, it is extremely hard to truly realize what you're doing to your body when you have an eating disorder. You compare yourself to everyone, you compare yourself to previous versions of yourself, and nothing ever seems good enough. You can always lose weight. Progress pictures may scare you when you first take them, but a couple days later, you think you could be skinnier. You can watch documentaries about EDs, but it doesn't seem like an issue because you "aren't as bad" as that person. But let me tell you, the moment I saw the severity of some of the bodies in treatment, the moment I saw someone cry while eating a meal, the moment I realized what I was doing to myself... something clicked. It doesn't happen that fast for a lot of people, but I've been dealing with this for a while now, going back and forth between believing I'm sick and believing I'm fine... and it hit me on my first day. I ate my meals as fast as I could so I wouldn't think about it, I smiled as much as I could so I could make it easier for the others, I spent as much time as I could thinking and planning meals for weekends, and about how much I can't wait to lift weights with my dad and friends so that I can regain the strength I had when I was truly happy and healthy.

2. I love food. It's kind of ironic and funny that I have an eating disorder and I say I love food, but I do. I don't think I ever hated it either, which increased my desire to not eat it. I love cooking, I love trying new spices and herbs and cuisines. I love the first bite of a meal that blows your mind because of how good it is. I worked out so much in high school that when I didn't anymore in college, the way I compensated was by not eating. The same way people diet, but increased to an extreme. On Monday, I ate breakfast, lunch, AND dinner. It was the first time I had done that in almost 9 months. I think the center does it on purpose, but the food was so good. I had cajun shrimp, asparagus, pork, green beans, salad, yogurt, grapes, and a few other things throughout the day and it was such a beautiful feeling to have good food and ENJOY it for the first time since New Zealand. Occasionally I'd enjoy a meal here and there, but to have a full days worth of food and enjoy it all... it was life changing in the most dramatic way possible. I was the first one done with my food at every meal and I felt silly almost, but I couldn't help my excitement.

3. I miss being strong. On Monday, my therapist and I talked about what my goals were and I mentioned how strong and healthy I was my senior year of high school. Granted, I was a 3 sport athlete and lifted weights for over an hour every day, I was so happy with my body. Even on bad days, and there were several, I was motivated to get better every time. In New Zealand, I wasn't worried about being strong or food, and I gained 12-15 pounds, but I was also happy with my body. All of my jeans were tight, but all of the weight went to my thighs and butt, so I was fine with it. I had a new confidence about me, I felt sexy... but in a way that was meant for me and only me. I wasn't worried about relationships, boys, girls... my body was for ME and it was a beautiful relationship that I had never been so proud to have. Coming home, it all started again, obviously, and I was terrified to go back down into the dark hole again. On Monday night after I got home from treatment, I looked at pictures of myself from senior year and New Zealand and I paid attention to my body for just a few minutes before changing my thought to focus on my mental state during those times. So many things are different now versus those times, but I do think it is possible to get back to that with who I am now. I miss feeling my thighs and biceps, knowing I was strong physically. I miss being okay with gaining muscle weight. My goal is no longer being defined by the strengths of others, but now the strength of me that I know I can achieve.

4. This is my second treatment program over the last 5 months. I got sent to St. Vincent Stress Center and enrolled in their Intensive Outpatient Program in November to work on my depression and suicidal tendencies. One of the things I've noticed is that as hard as it is for me for obvious reasons, it is also hard for the people around me. It is hard for me to explain my emotions and thoughts, and just the same, it is hard for others to understand what I can barely explain. I can't explain why I think about death so much, I can't explain why I stopped eating, I can't explain my bipolar disorder, I can't explain why I sometimes make my life so much harder than it needs to be. I'm working on trying to understand that the people close to me have an interpretation of the situation that they have the right to own. I cannot control what people think of what I go through, but I can take the time to listen and understand while trying to educate at the same time. When people don't check up on me during treatment, or don't ask me questions, or say something that triggers me without meaning to, I am trying to take a step back and reevaluate my needs and wants from those around me, and trying to express it in a way that will be easy to understand for the other party. I tend to jump to conclusions and shut down, and I know that isn't helpful.

5. If anyone you know is dealing with suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, or anything similar, try to understand that these illnesses are selfish, not the person. I've been told recently that I have started to talk about my issues "too much". I have my own opinion on that, of course, but like I said previously, I am trying to understand the perspective of others when in regards to what I'm going through. My eating disorder has caused me to become obsessed with myself in the least selfish way possible, if that makes sense. It takes me 10 extra minutes to get ready in the morning because I stare at my body in the mirror and weigh myself 3 times just to make sure. Throughout the day, the only thing I allow myself to think is calories, my body, and the senses I feel when I notice my body shutting down from not being nourished properly. The only time anorexia has allowed me to think about others is when I am physically with them and have to be present with them. It's incredibly hard to think about myself so much when ALL I want to do is love the people who love me. So believe me when I say if I talk about my problems and forget to ask how your day is, I do not mean to. I promise. I am trying to get better about it and I already have seen progression during this first week, but I also don't want to excuse my bad manners. There is no excuse for it, but there is also no easy cure for it. So again, if you know anyone dealing with anything similar, take the time to put this into consideration. They love you, sometimes it's just hard to put it into words if your brain is telling them otherwise. There heart is truly longing for your presence and help, I promise.

6. The last two days of treatment, I've been reading "Eat, Pray, Love" and I just got done with the Italy portion of Liz' adventure. The literal last page of Italy talks about her weight gain from 4 months of eating pasta and pizza.

"I came to Italy pinched and thin I did not know yet what I deserved. I still maybe don't fully know what I deserve. But I do know that I have collected myself of late - through the enjoyment of harmless pleasures - into somebody much more intact. The easiest, most fundamentally human way to say it is that I exist more now. I exist more now than I did four months ago. I will leave Italy noticeably bigger than when I arrived here. And I will leave with the hope that the expansion of one person [...] is indeed an act of worth in this world. Even if that life, just this one time, happens to be nobody's but my own."

I hope that resonates with you the way it did me.

Size is nothing. Growth, in any way, is everything.

I plan to give updates on my time in treatment throughout it all, maybe at the end of every week or two weeks. I hope I can help you if you have any questions, and please, feel free to ask. I want to be as transparent with my life as I can possibly be. Thank you for reading and listening to be go on and on for over a year now. You mean the world to me.

Love it already.

- Tess