Bear with me!

I've been dying to write, but I haven't been able to feel enough emotion to write... or choose what to write about. There have been a couple things on my mind so I think I'm just going to figure that out with this post and see what comes out.

1. I don't have any idea of what I think about this quarantine mess yet, and I know that's weird since it's been going on for a while. I've been in treatment 5 days a week ever since it started so my life has been pretty normal (if that's normal at all) when it comes to getting out of the house. Now that I'm done with treatment, I have been a little stir crazy even in the few days I've been home. It's a strange feeling, but I'm trying to find peace in it? If I can? It's 3 pm on Sunday and I'm still in my pajamas, haven't brushed my hair since Thursday, and I'm laying on my couch for the 4th straight hour. I decided to write today so I could be productive, but I am worried for what will come of my first full week at home. Depression creeping in, eating disorder thoughts, constant headaches and over sleeping; I can see it all happening. I think what might help me is going outside as much as possible - feeling the grass in between my toes, hearing the birds chirp, hearing the wind chimes sing. It may not be your thing, but it's worth a shot. There's something about being still in this time... watching the natural world, sweet Mother Nature, stop and breathe for a moment, finally. For the first time in a long time. It's amazing what she can do when we stop choking her to death and appreciate what she is capable of. I'm getting a little sentimental now, but it really is nice to connect with something physical and take a break from emotionally and mentally connecting to people so much. It's a break for you to connect with something outside of yourself. Just sit on the front porch and feel the breeze through your hair. Or sit in the grass and feel it on your skin. Or take your dog on a walk and see how their innocent curiosity in something they don't understand. Have fun with it. Have fun with this time, learn to laugh at it and try to stay safe. It's all you can do.

2. I am done with ED treatment! I had my last full day on Thursday of last week and honestly, it wasn't the big celebration I thought it was going to be. I'm still going to have weekly meetings with my dietician, therapist, medical doctor, etc. so it's not really like I'm done. I'll never be done, either. I think sometimes I forget that I'm probably going to have to deal with this for a while. A few, maybe 10+ years from now even. Just because I finished treatment doesn't mean I won't think about my food intake ratio every day or want to weigh myself or look at my body in the mirror. There are far too many years that I've spent doing that for it all to go away in a month or so of treatment. I think it's a misconception among society that going through treatment means you're "recovered". I am in recovery. Still. I will be for years to come and that's not a bad thing, it just means that I've got a lot of work left to do. Some days I won't want to work, some days I will work harder. It'll come in waves and I'm thankful for all the information I've learned over the last month and a half that will stay with me for the rest of my life.

With that being said - I would like to say that fad diets like intermittent fasting, keto coffee meal replacement, water cleanses, etc. are NOT good for you and they never will be. I don't care what your friend who sells those things says to you. Your body needs nutrients to survive and even denying yourself those for short 3-4 day cleanses is not good for you. No matter what you read on the internet, I promise you, taking in what your body needs on a daily basis is much better for you than those diets. I would encourage you to meet with a registered dietician (preferably not a nutritionist, as anyone can do research and call themselves a nutritionist) and explain your wants for your body and they can help you create a meal plan that will work for you. Everyone is different, but depriving yourself of nutrients and energy is not what you are meant to be doing. No food is "bad", either. The treatment center preaches that in order to teach us that ALL foods have nutrients in them that the body can use for fuel. AND no singular "bad" day will change the way your body looks. I weighed the same after a week of 3 meals and 3 snacks a day at the center, that I did before I went in. Your body needs fuel. Please contact your doctors to get better information and a dietician to figure out what is best for you based on your goals.

3. I've done some soul searching lately about relationships and why I am the way I am when it comes to connecting with people. I have always wanted to impress people, no matter what I portray on the outside. I get so uncomfortable in new situations because I want everyone to like me and believe that I'm who I think I am. I had friends from all cliques in high school and I used to think it was because I was a well rounded person, which may be true, but I know now that it was also a desperate attempt to be liked by everyone. Even when I have arguments with people, relationship break ups, or falling outs with groups, I want them to think I'm a good person in the end. I would LOVE to know what everyone thought of me so I could fix it if it weren't positive.

It's hard to live life like that, though. I recently had a falling out with a long time group of friends while simultaneously having made a lot of new and incredible friends over the last year, which has taught me a lot about both the positive and negative attributes I bring into my relationships. Collectively, I think we tend to solely focus on one extreme or the other. Trying to impress others all the time, I focus on all the bad things I do and what areas I should change in order to be liked more by those around me. What I'm trying to remind myself is that no matter what anyone thinks of me after a falling out, I deserve love. So do they, but I do too. Mentally trying to control every single thing everyone thinks of you is debilitating, truly, and it's a game you will never, ever win. Think more about the ones who are the most positively present and active in your current life. Even if right now it's from a distance. You may not talk every day, or you might. You may not see each other often, or you might. You may live in different states, or 15 minutes away. Make a list of them. Pour your love into them right now. Dig deep into them. Try your best to love them how they need to be loved, just like you hope they'll do for you. Focus on those relationships because your present is so much more important than past or future (situations vary). Your present relationships are far more important than what someone from months ago thinks of you, or years, or someone from the future you haven't even met yet.

Thank you Ryan, Isabella, Katie, Ava, Haley, Savana, Evan x2, Madison, Kate, Shelby, Ryann, Jen. You guys popped into my head and I just want to shout you out for being so kind to me lately.

I don't really know if any of this made sense, but these three little topics have been on my mind and I figured I'd try to figure them out. Here's to staying home a few more weeks and spending time with your own mind and the minds of those around you. Stay in tune with your body, too. Treat it kindly.

Love it already,

Tess