Just do it

I think I've been lying to a lot of people. Well, at least not telling the entire truth.

Eating disorders don't go away when you gain weight. In fact, they might even increase because you aren't used to your body being at that size again or for the first time.

Bipolar disorder doesn't go away when you get proper medication. The high you have from feeling better makes you sometimes believe that you don't need the medication anymore so you don't refill your prescriptions on time.

I've posted transformation pictures of my body from March until now, and it's a big accomplishment, don't get me wrong. However, I haven't been putting in the effort to change my mindset about the eating disorder. I haven't really "overcome" anything besides not being sickly thin anymore. Another thing I've come to learn is that I'm a pretty negative person when it comes down to it, if you couldn't tell by that last sentence. I have been eating, but I haven't been changing my thought process at all. Actually, for about a month, I stopped doing therapy altogether because I was tired of talking about it multiple times a week. I was in some kind of intensive therapy from Thanksgiving until the end of April. Eventually everything everyone was telling me was going in one ear and out the other; it was all things I had heard before (I had convinced myself of this), and I told myself I would get better when I wanted to.

Some of the people closest to me have noticed how pessimistic I have become and it's been weighing on me a lot. I talk negatively to and about myself, I don't listen to advice, I judge often, I pick fights for no reason, I don't eat (or eat a lot), I avoid physical touch, I sleep more, I get stress headaches, and I don't refill my prescriptions on time. The only reason I can think of for being this way is that I refuse to let myself connect with me or other people. That probably seems absurd because I write blogs about my life, but I'm a writer, that's what I do naturally. This entire post so far has come so easy to me. What isn't easy is actually connecting with myself or my loved ones on a more spiritual, love-based level. I get embarrassed, I become defensive, and I don't like to do things out of my comfort zone when it comes to being vulnerable. That's why I never prayed when I was deep into my Christian faith. It made me uncomfortable to speak to a god I didn't think I deserved to know.

And the only thing I'll say about that is: I deserve to know whatever god I choose. You do too. Our sweet little souls deserve to get to know the divinity that brought us into existence, right?

The people in my life right now, near and far, are teaching me so many things I never knew about. I fully believe that I have reached a point in my life that I need to accept that I am more than what I've made myself to be so far. I have been hurt, I have hurt myself, I have hurt other people, and those things have kept me from being my complete self in my current life. Those things have been in a cyclical pattern for years now because I've been letting them control me relentlessly. My biggest and brand new journey now? Learn to heal from those things. I have carried so much pain from my past life into my current life that has NO need to still be here affecting me. Those things and those people helped shape me, but they don't need to etch anything else into my new skin as who I am today.

A sweet friend of mine described to me the difference between trying to do something and actually doing it. When you're trying, you're automatically assuming that you're going to fail in the end and that you'll have to try again and again. If you say you're going to DO something, you're already telling yourself it's going to get done. I have been "trying" to sit down and write for weeks now and even I knew I wasn't actually going to do it. I'd watch TV during times I could've been writing. This morning I said, "I'm going to write today". So tell yourself, "I will heal from these things", "I will say my affirmations today", "I will listen to my therapist today", "I will make the time for myself today", "I will make the time to connect with others today". It's cheesy and I literally told that sweet friend that I didn't want to do it just last night. I'm almost even mad in a silly way that it worked today. But it feels weird to be so nice to yourself, doesn't it? To say kind things, to say legitimate sentences full of meaning to yourself? For me too, promise. But it kind of... feels good? And apparently it works. So do it with me. Don't trust try.

Going to write more, I think. Hopefully you hear from me soon.

Love it already,

Tess