Main Character

I've never been the main character in my own life.

I have made other people the main character for as long as they let me do that, typically until they notice and eventually leave because they know I'm too dependent on them. It really is as sad as it sounds, if I'm honest. Sliding through life doing the bare minimum for myself and not caring who comes and goes because that's what I'm used to at this point. And I hate feeling sorry for myself, too, so the fact that I'm even noticing how sad this is is a big step for me.

I've met some incredible people over the last year and they helped me get through that hell of a year the best they could. I thank the universe for them every day. But my problem is that I let them take care of me. One person in particular, I let take on the role of being my guide when they were also trying to be their own guide. There are way too many pieces to my puzzle to let someone else do all the work - I need to at least pick up one piece and act like I'm doing something, right? Every once and a while.

But I wasn't. And I haven't for a VERY long time. I've been through years of therapy, thousands of dollars of treatment, educational courses, too many self-help books to count, bad friendships, bad relationships... it was all so helpful in the moment. But as soon as I walked out the door, shut the book, made new friends; I forgot most of what I just learned and went right back to depending on the world and its' people to do the work for me. To finish the puzzle.

Maybe it's the mania hyping me up and the depression telling me it'll never work, maybe it's the eating disorder telling me to let him take control, maybe it's the medicine making me numb to any new information, or maybe I'm just outright lazy as fuck. I haven't figured it out yet and sometimes I don't even want to, honestly. Sometimes I am so completely okay with this sort of life that I don't want to fix it at all.

But then sometimes I see my beautiful friends living their lives and dealing with their own issues, but doing it so gracefully. Obviously there are sides I don't see, but they're open to new ideas and the light that the universe wants to give them. I've been in the dark so long that I'm way too comfortable being blind to that sort of life. But I see them and the small part of me that still wants to create a life for myself wants to scream and cry and crawl out of my body and punch me in the face for being so dumb and then hug me afterwards and say, "Enough of this." I'm lucky that part even still exists inside me, too- not everyone still has that. And if that's you, I hope you read this and relate. But that you also take it into consideration that that life isn't fun, no matter how comfortable it is. The darkness won't end if you keep your eyes closed.

Back to the main character thing - I have always wanted to be that person in my own life, and I know how to be. I've felt it a few times. When I sit down to write in a coffee shop like I am right now, listening to new music, drinking a coffee, and having lunch alone and being okay with that. Tomorrow I'm getting a tattoo that means a lot to me because I finally said screw it and booked the appointment. It's my birthday tomorrow and I have plans all weekend that I made for myself for the first time in a long time. I started reading books again, too. Good ones. I'm talking to sweet friends of mine, Kate and Shelby, about connecting with myself for the first time and embracing what is currently happening to me and for me. It feels good for once. I missed this.

That good feeling doesn't always last and that's okay too, I think. I don't know yet if it ever will last longer than a couple days at a time, but I'm trying to do the work to make it last- picking up a couple new puzzle pieces every day and see where they can fit in my life. Like I said, I've done the therapy, the treatment, the readings, the classes; I know what to do. But I've been way too goddamn stubborn to put the effort in.

I guess my point is to listen to what people tell you, don't let it go in one ear and out the other. Let yourself absorb the words on the pages of the books you read. Let the music speak to you. Let yourself take in the information your therapist tells you. Let yourself be guided by what's around you and stop depending on someone else to carry you through it. I hate to admit it, but recovery is my choice and it's yours too. I have to choose to make my life about me, not in a selfish way, but just in a way that I actually take care of myself for me and not for anyone else. I deserve that, you know? You do too.

Love it already

- Tess