This was only leading me to that

The last two years of my life have drastically changed the way I look at myself, my inner peace, and my sense of what life means, in the most general terms.

I don’t think I’ve ever known who I am, apart from someone I just didn’t like. Don’t get me wrong, there were parts of me I liked - the way I was happiest on a rainy day, the way I looked at the grass as a connector to reality, the words I'd pour into my blog posts, and the way I loved my friend’s laughs more than anything else about them.

But there were parts of me I really, really did not like.

The parts of me that were short-fused and quick to anger, the parts that refused to eat even salad because they were "wasted calories", the parts that were jealous of my friends' happiness, the parts that sat in a constant state of victim mentality, the parts that thought recovery was an endpoint and not a journey, and the parts that thought a messy death was better than a messy life.

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Over the last two years or so, I have been put in and put myself in situations that I’ve had to put my whole heart and soul effort into in order to dig my way out. I have never resisted working on something so much in my life. I thought I was done – I didn’t want to try anymore, I didn’t want to live anymore. I focused on those things I didn’t like about myself and told myself that was all I had to offer. I dug a gigantic hole, jumped in, and said goodbye and good riddance to everything I knew.

Throughout my 5 years of clinical therapy, 1.5 years of eating disorder therapy, life therapy from my amazing friends, 4 years at university, and 23 years of utter internal mental confusion, the one thing I’ve come to wholeheartedly believe and understand is that I have no control over any outcome, which in turn, means that nothing I do matters. Which is exactly why it matters.

Bear with me.

I used to say “nothing matters” and I meant it in a really dark, suicidal type of way. When I say it now, I mean it in the most hopeful way I can even begin to express. There is so much reassurance in “nothing matters” for me because I know that one day I’m going to die. That’s a fact. And until then, the only thing I have any slight control over is how fucking miserable or happy I am until I reach death. I have always held a standard for myself of what I thought success was, and it always included me taking advantage of my happiness for someone or something else or some higher power that I didn’t even believe in. And now I know that my only standard of success in life is if I’m fucking happy or not. Nothing *else* matters.

Now, me being happy includes a really long list of things that matter, of course.

But the big picture, me being happy, matters. And nothing else does.

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I got fired from the job I had for a year and a half in April. I think despite all the bullshit I’ve gone through in my life, that was my rock bottom. Suicide attempts, risk of heart attack from starving myself, being manipulated by unhealthy relationships – none of them top the cake like getting fired from that job.

I got sent home from work that day, and I cried the whole way. What I did was wrong, I’ll admit; I acted out of complete frustration. I sat in my bed and immediately started looking for a new job because in the chance that I didn’t get fired, I was absolutely going to quit. I got a call from my regional boss a couple of hours later and after a 5-minute talk, she told me I had been “terminated from employment”. And let me tell you, the confusion I felt in my brain was unlike anything I’ve ever felt. I was so incredibly sad and mad, but I was the most relieved I have ever felt. Ever.

The phone call ended and I sat in silence for a few minutes before I realized – I had to find a job, of course. But until then, tomorrow is going to be the first day I’ve had to myself with no expectations and no plans and no work the day after since… god knows when. I almost felt liberated in a way because I truly had nothing to do. School was over, I didn’t have a job anymore, and I had money saved up, so naturally, I texted my friend Tess and said, “Let’s go on a vacation.”

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Tess and I left for New Orleans a couple of weeks later and I had the time of my fucking life.

When we got back, I started looking for jobs again, but with a mission to find something I truly enjoyed and was good at. Because fuck, I was not good at the job I just had. I tried so hard but I just couldn’t keep up and it showed.

Within two weeks, I had two new jobs that were degree-focused that I was qualified for and would excel at. I still have both of those jobs and am continuing them throughout this school year.

Within a month, I went from crying over getting fired from the job I hated and sucked at anyways, to booking flights and getting two jobs that I loved and even paid better. I thought the next year of my life was completely wrecked, and in reality, the next year of my life got 10x better. And I had absolutely no idea that’s what was happening in the moment.

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Throughout this summer, I have transformed into the best parts of myself, I’ve even expanded on them. The list of things at the beginning of this blog that I like about myself? It has grown exponentially.

I went to visit a friend in Arizona at the end of May – at the beginning of this transformation, and my friend hadn’t seen me since the summer before. Before I left to head home, she said to me, “You seem different, in a good way. You seem lighter and happier, it’s really refreshing to see.”

The liberation I felt was showing and she was the first to notice.

And I have held onto that ever since.

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I’ve written in other blog entries that young people make a big deal out of things. We’re really dramatic and whiny and think the world is going to end with the slightest inconvenience. And some of that is fun, of course; the anticipation, the disappointment, the emotion. But god damn, it feels so good when you realize that life goes on afterward. Good things come, they go, and something even better follows, if you accept it like that. Let yourself feel and fall and love and hurt and know that life keeps going! And it all matters, but none of it does at the same time!

Things work out, and then they don’t, but then you find out that that was only leading you to the next best thing.

You’ll look back and think, “Oh yeah, this was only leading me to that.”

And it won’t matter anymore.

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Take risks, have fun, love as many people as you can, and open yourself up to the incredible fate that life allows for.

This feels so cheesy, but goodness, it feels so good.

Love it already,

Tess